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Wednesday, December 1, 2010

The NFL Sucks This Year, So Lets Talk About My Favorite Holiday Movies

Did anyone catch that Arizona Cardinals/San Francisco 49ers Monday night game?  What a shit show.  It was bad enough that everyone in the booth spent the majority of the broadcast sherkin' their jerkins over next Monday night's Jets/Patriots matchup but when you add in the depressing reality of how far the Cardinals franchise has fallen since their Super Bowl run it made watching the proceedings tantamount to witnessing someone etch their name into a wooden beam prior to hanging themselves. 

This has been the resounding feeling for me throughout this NFL season.  My team -- the Bengals -- are back to being a franchise that can't even lose in an interesting fashion, the Patriots are back to their "flys fucking" offensive schemes, Chris Johnson is legitimately human, Michael Vick can't even make the Eagles worth watching...I mean the list goes on.  The only team that's at all worth rooting for is the Atlanta Falcons, because Matt Ryan is the next Peyton Manning and Roddy White is maybe the most underrated playmaker in the league.  Plus they have cool uniforms. 

Also, can I just quickly say that my fantasy football team is a goddamn nightmare?  I'd like to personally thank Vernon Davis, Brandon Marshall, Zach Miller, Wes Welker and the Arizona Cardinals defense (bye week pick-up and subsequent drop) for roshambo-ing me into a fifth place spot and an almost definite first round playoff ousting.  I'd also like to personally tell Ben Wills to eat a dick for picking up Peyton Hillis.  You son of a bitch and your bullshit luck. 

Anyways, in an effort to take my mind off of this borefest I've decided -- in the name of the holiday season -- to rank my five favorite holiday movies of all time.  There's no real order to this, just five movies that I enjoy watching whenever this time of year rolls around.

THE BEST GODDAMN HOLIDAY MOVIES EVER 

5. HOME FOR THE HOLIDAYS
When I was a kid going through puberty there were two movies that gave me my first crushes.  One was Batman Returns with Michelle Pfeiffer as Catwoman.  She wore skin-tight patent leather for an hour and a half and purred a lot, I was mesmerized.  The other was Home For The Holidays with Holly Hunter.  It was those legs!  Holy moly!  And the fact that she was super pretty and down to earth and cursed and stuff!  Anyways, I loved this movie for her down to earth hotness. 

In recent viewings,however, I've come to love everything else about this movie (except for Dylan McDermott, because fuck that pretty boy).  First of all, you've got Anne Bancroft just straight up owning the screen.  Second of all, you've got a quite obviously HOPPED UP Robert Downey Jr. acting circles around everyone without ever really trying.  You have to wonder how fucked up he was during the shooting of this movie.  I've read stories, but you know it was probably way worse than what people are letting on.  Third of all, Downey's character was a gay man who had just gotten married and his parents accepted him and were only angry that he refused to let them to close to his personal life.  You also had a single mom story line that at times had very dark overtones.  The only drawback to this movie is the bullshit copout romantic comedy ending that kind of cheapens the whole thing.  Dylan McDermott didn't need to be there at all and only served as eye candy for all the female viewers. 

There's some priceless one liners and over all this movie makes you both miss your family and loathe them at the same time.  Annual watching is expected and deserved. 

4. HOME ALONE
First of all, can you believe that this movie was made into a Nintendo game?  I totally forgot about that.  I remember renting it maybe one time and having the worst time ever.  I always hated the fact that Nintendo pretty much just started putting out complete dogshit in its later years.  For every RC Pro-Am there was a Battletoads, and that should never be forgotten. 

However, as far as the Home Alone movie is concerned, if you don't at least feel the need to watch it every year then you're not really human and were never a child with fantasies about being the ultimate hero.  I gotta be honest, I still laugh when Joe Pesci gets shot in the nuts with that bb gun.  Totally worth it every time.  I could honestly do without the overt Christian overtones, but whatever, it kinda works considering that there's so much violence in the movie.  Also, you can't go wrong with a movie starring any SCTV alumi, especially when one of those alums is John Candy.

3. THE REF
Before Bad Santa there was The Ref.  This was made back when Denis Leary wasn't so concerned with being taken seriously as a dramatic actor.  Also, this was before Kevin Spacey was doing the things that made him Kevin Spacey.  It's a film full of curse words and hilarious interplay between the main characters.  Also, it doesn't copout at the end like Home For The Holidays did.  These characters change, but only at gunpoint.  Watching this makes me miss the days when Denis Leary was purely known as a rant comic.  His talents overflow in this movie and I always seem to catch a new joke every time I watch it.  My favorite line?  When Leary is talking to Spacey's evil bitch of a mother, he has this quip about her dead husband, "Your husband ain't dead, lady.  He's hidin'."  I've been waiting my whole life to use that line without being punched in the face.   

2. NATIONAL LAMPOON'S CHRISTMAS VACATION 
Here lies the comedic career of Chevy Chase.  Holy shit did he ever go downhill from this movie.  Whether it be Vegas Vacation or Snow Day, Chevy Chase's last hurrah as a comedic actor was always going to be this movie.  The timing is amazing, the adult themes are very adult and that fucking house lighting shit is amazing.  It's disheartening that the National Lampoon's franchise hasn't made a film of this kind of quality in so long.  I mean, really?  We really have to sit through Van Wilder?  That shit is the same reason Mad Magazine lost its luster.  Comedy films lost the ability to be both intelligent and nasty at the same time.  Ugh.  Anyways, this is a Christmas staple for me and deserves a top five spot.  

1. DIE HARD
  
Die Hard is not only the best Christmas movie ever made, but it's also the best action movie ever made.  Period.  I could watch this movie and only this movie for the rest of my life and I'd be entertained until my last breath.  John McClain is an iconic figure in American cinema.  Alan Rickman is the best villain ever and...well...Yippee Kay Yay Mother Fucker!  
So there you go, a holiday movie list.  It's better than whatever the hell is going on in the NFC West, right?  Right.  

Let me also say that college basketball is shaping up to be very, very competitive this year, especially in the Big Ten.  

Let me also also also say that Cam Newton is a goddamn bitch.  I hope Oregon wipes the floor with Auburn.  I also hope that Ohio State makes the Sugar Bowl.  

I also hope that all of you fine folks have a nice holiday season.  

Onward.  

-Terrence

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