NHL Round 2: Not this Tim Thomas...

Okay, so it’s probably apparent that I pay closer attention to Western Conference hockey than Eastern. That’s because my heart still belongs to the Norris Division, truthfully. Also, living in NYC, I get a steady diet of Islander, Ranger, and Devil hockey. Two of those three didn’t make it to post-season, the third got upset. The Islanders are generally unwatchable. I like the Rangers mostly (there, I said it). The calm of Lundqvist in the midst of shitty, defenseless deluges brings me joy. But that joy is always quashed by the heartbreak of Henrik’s headhanging after another 1-0 or 2-0 or 2-1 loss. Gaborik possesses a nose for open space, and has body control to complement (see 2-1 loss). Drury, despite his detractors, never takes a shift off. Callahan, at 25, didn’t have the year many expected, but he’s still fun to watch (Blueshirts are still waiting for a repeat of the 84 pts he had with the Guelph Storm of the OHL four years ago—they may have to wait a while). Nonetheless, only two months in, I got the picture: Lundqvist is spectacular, but the Rangers offense has the potency of a paraplegic’s schwanz. The Devils are a guilty pleasure. Love the players, hate the game. Elias, Parise, Zajak—so very good. You would think then that I’d have a handle on the East. Problem is, every time I watch, it’s Rangers vs. Devils, or Isles vs. Devils, or Rangers vs. Isles…you get the point. I know it’s not literally that way, but sure seems like it. Outside of the Caps and Pens (who were on either Versus or NBC on a weekly basis), I didn’t see or listen (XM subscriber here) to many Eastern Conference games. But excuses are like assholes…uhhh…there’s a lot of them in New York (see Mangini, Eric; Knicks, Isiah Thomas Era ). Simply put, I blew it. But the West! Oh, the West! The Western Conference was a buxom bimbo to my Tiger. I nailed it. I nailed every one of’em. But enough of this…on to round 2! WESTERN CONFERENCE Sharks (1) vs. Red Wings (5) So I got pulled into a marketing meeting yesterday. I’m not sure why. To me, marketing revolves around whether or not I need bread or orange juice. Apparently, there are two kinds of marketing. Suffice it to say, I didn’t have much to contribute in the meeting, and worse, this kept me from doing something far more important—NHL round two playoff predictions. Now, anyone who knows me knows a couple of things: 1) I wear a lot of blue, and 2) I don’t cotton to anything Red Wings. Therefore, long before San Jose and Detroit stepped on the ice last night, I knew I was going with the Sharks. I actually don’t see a large disparity between the four lines on these teams. Ultimately, this comes down to two people—Jimmy Howard and Evgeni Nabakov. Plagued with a lackluster playoff past, Nabakov had a decent first round—decent, not great. On the other hand, Howard, a Calder nominee, looked like a rookie in round one. A 2.77 GAA is not going to cut it against the Sharks. Blackhawks (2) vs. Canucks (3) The best part about the Habs upsetting the Caps is that NBC didn’t get the chance to blow their collective wads over a Crosby/Ovechkin match-up. I understand why they play these individuals up (I guess I do understand some marketing strategy); they’re both really, really, really good. But the NHL is not the NBA. It’s a team sport won by teams. Hockey skate endorsements don’t generate a lot of ad campaigns. Hockey players don’t make good muppets. These are empirical facts. What all this means is that NBC will have to redirect their attentions, and the sports world is about to be awakened to what (many have said is becoming, but to those close to these teams already know) is one of the best current rivalries in sports. Following a brutal six-game Western Conference semifinal that culminated in a Hawks 7-5 win (Kane 3 G), these teams split the ’09-10 season series, each going 1-1 at their respective homes. This series couldn’t possibly be a tougher call. Instead of belaboring what will ultimately (for me) come down to a coin flip, I’ll highlight these keys: 1. Can the Hawks slow down Mikael Samuelsson? He scored at least one point in every first round game. He also had three goals versus the Hawks in the regular season. 2. Can Byfuglien fustigate Luongo as much as he did in ’08-09? 3. Who keeps their cool? As mentioned, these teams really don’t enjoy each other’s company. Stupid penalties must be minimized by both sides for either to have a chance. 4. How do the teams respond in the face of the stupid penalties that are likely to surface? Now to the pick: I’m going Hawks. Here’s why: special teams. The Canuckleheads didn’t sparkle on the PK in round one. I mean, it was abysmal. The Hawks weren’t awesome with the extra man against the Preds, but that won’t last forever. The Hawk PP is too good, especially with a (seemingly) recovered Brian Campbell. EASTERN CONFERENCE Penguins (4) vs. Canadiens (8) By now, everyone has heard of the heroics of Jaroslav Halak. Slovakian legend now states that Halak killed the giant who overturned Bratislava Castle each morning by deflecting pucks in his eyes. I say we look elsewhere on this team. Michael Cammilleri had 5 G, 5 A in round one. He tallied in all seven games. Plekanec, Gomez, Gionta, and Kostitsyn round off an adequate attack. Josh Gorges and Hal Gill are the unsung heroes of round one. They were the Pippen and Grant to Halak's Jordan. Without those two, Caps win. The Pens, though, are not the Capitals. They have greater depth and diversity in styles of play. I'll break it down ESPN-style--which means I'll only cover highlights of known entities. Just look at play reels of Ovi and the Kid. Ovechkin is spectacular, don't get me wrong, but he likes to work in open ice and/or heading straight at the net. For Halak, this is easy. Then watch Crosby. He makes space on the ice, and he's a threat from every point on the ice. He can get Halak looking one way, then set up a play that takes Halak the other. Also, Pittsburgh is a healthy mix of old and young. They won't get rattled as easily as the Caps. The third period of game 7 between Montreal and Washington was 20 minutes of panic by the home team. Halak can make a difference, but the Pens will be too much. Bruins (6) vs. Flyers (7) Brian Boucher was not that good during the regular season. In the playoffs, he's been amazing. I don't get it. I didn't see it coming. I'm not sure anyone did. Maybe his mom. Maybe. The Flyers have to get leads to win this series. They got good at that against NJ. Once they lead, they sit on the puck--and that they do well. It isn't enthralling, but it works. Problem is will they get those same chances against Boston. I say no. Tuukka Rask has made the name Tim Thomas synonymous with "NBA journeyman" once again. Tim Thomas, you may recall, kept Ryan Miller's seat warm in Vancouver. Thomas now does the same for Rask. A big factor in this series is the impact Savard will have on his return. He missed much of the season with a knee problem and the much publicized decapitation. If he can play anywhere near normal, the Bruins become a scary team. Most importantly though, the real winners of this series are all of us who don't have to sit amongst either of these team's fans. Bruins take this. -Kyle Wills

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2 Teams, One Dream: A Quick Note on Fantasy Baseball

I have two (count 'em!) fantasy baseball teams through Yahoo Sports this year.  Despite the fact that the chorus of the word "nerd" being said under the guise of it being a cough is nearly deafening, I will mush on to explain a few things to you all. 

One of my teams is doing quite well thus far while the other...well...let's just say it's not exactly party time in happyville, if you catch my drift.  My well-to-do team, quaintly named 'Immaculate Concepcion' after Reds legend Dave Concepcion is reigning terror down upon its competition.  In a head to head league I'm rolling along in first place this week with a record of 30-16-11.  I won last week with a valiant record of 13-3-3, which is a straight up dusting of an opponent if I've ever seen one.  I'm winning, you see, because my team is constructed with smarts.  I have speed (Carl Crawford, Nyjer Morgan, Rajai Davis and Rafael Furcal, who also bat for average and score runs), power (Joey Votto, Dan Uggla, Josh Hamilton) and five tool hitters (Casey Blake, Joe Mauer).  It's like looking at a work of art, something so genuine, pure and fine tuned that tears well up in your eyes and you have to grab a steel railing in order to steady your weak knees.  I get it, it's beautiful.  Even my pitching makes sense.  I've got good starters (Johan Santana, John Danks, Max Scherzer), good closers (Mariano Rivera, Matt Capps) and good set up guys (Rafael Betancourt, Matt Guerrier).  Gah!  It's fucking angelic, man.  Truly beautiful. 

Of course this is all until the inevitable injuries to half of the starting lineup occur and the proceeding frantic rush to the waiver wires that will result in me praying to Jesus H. that Yuniesky Betancourt can somehow eke out 60 RBIs.  But hey, let's not dwell on the future, shall we? 

What's that?  Oh, did I say that I had another fantasy team?  Huh?  What?  *crinkles paper next to keyboard* I CAN'T HEAR YOU!! SPEAK UP!!!

Oh, right.  That OTHER team.  'Benshymen Wills' is a team name that should have an amazing team to go with it.  I mean come on, it's nothing short of maybe one of the most hilarious plays on a name in history.  Benjamin Wills (a staff writer for this site and subsequent knob slobber) is pleased with it, his silence convinces me of this fact. 

Anyways, this team is constructed with roughly the same amount of meticulousness.  Hell, Carl Crawford is on this team as well, as is Rajai Davis.  I even have BETTER power guys with Manny Ramirez and Ryan Howard.  HOW AM I IN FIFTH GODDAMN PLACE?!?!  You wanna know how?  It's a rotisserie league, that's how.  Whatever black magic point system this stupid fucking league operates under manages to both baffle me and convince me that there is some serious cloak and dagger bullshit going on behind the scenes.  I mean, sure, I'm relying way too much on Marlins closer Leo Nunez and Mariners closer David Aardsma, but whatever, I refuse to admit defeat.  There's gotta be some kind of turnaround here.  There just has to be.  Any league where the first place team is named after a toilet manufacturer cannot outsmart me.

Anyways, I'll update all of you on how I'm doing in these leagues from time to time, which might result in you, fair readers, bearing witness to my complete and unabashedly violent unraveling as a mentally stable human being. 

So long, farewell, Auf Weidersehen, goodbye

Jacque Lemaire is hangin’em up after being part of 11 Stanley Cup championships (eight as a player, two as an assistant, and one as a head coach). With the Philadelphia Flyers exposing the NJ Devils as less devils and more familiars (if you get this reference, adjust your frock and return directly to your parents’ basement; it’s your turn in whatever role-playing game your currently in the midst of), the longtime defensively minded coach decided that, like the rest of us, he couldn’t stand watching one more period of the neutral zone trap.

Many will herald this day as the day the trap died, but they should brace themselves for the oncoming disappointment—it’s going to be around a while.

The fact of the matter is that all teams embrace some form of the trap. Most don’t do it for 60 goddamn minutes, but surely you’d be splitting your larynx with shouts for your coaches’ head if he didn’t send his centers up and sag four in the middle of the ice with a lead late in a 2-1 game. That’s just how it is.

Now, I have every reason to be miffed at Lemaire right along with Devils fans. Our reasons are different—their season is over, whereas my prediction of NJ over Philly just looks silly—but I don’t plan to harp on a sixty-four year old man at this moment. Sure, some (Devils fans) complain that Lemaire's once notable ability to bring along young players has waned. Others (Wild fans) say his loyalty to his style often stifled the open-ice abilities of say, guys like Marian Gaborik, but let’s focus on the positive.

By the early 2000s, Lemaire-inspired copycats had slowed the game to a nauseating grind. Then came the ’04-05 lockout. The NHL found itself in worse shape than Grimace after a depression-fueled fry binge. The league was finally forced to do something to improve the game. Thereupon, the two-line pass was interred into the annals of history. By exploiting the limiting nature of the red line, a flaw in the design was exposed and (eventually) remedied. For that, Jacque, we thank you.

Styles aside, the man could coach (excepting the first round of the playoffs the past few years), and, at the very least, all can agree that he impacted the game whilst sharing a part in more Stanley Cups than Matt Duchene can probably remember.

Cigars for everyone! Iupati has arrived!: Actual Samoan may be different than the one pictured

Announcement:

I hope you’ll share in the welcoming of Mike Iupati into our lives. The beautiful 6’5^1/8,” 331 lbs., offensive guard out of University of Idaho was selected by the San Francisco 49^ers with the 17^th pick of the first round in the NFL’s 2010 first-ever three-day fury of football blowhard overkill.

Born in American Samoa, Iupati's family picked up and moved to Cali when Mikey was 14 years old. The family felt, despite their relative wealth in their native unincorporated territory, that this move would provide them with greater opportunity. As he expressed at his combine interview: “I came U.S. [sic] My family decided for us kids to have a better education.” Well buddy, we’re witnessing those dividends pay-off as you speak…and really, how sad is an American Samoan education if it’s inferior to American-proper education?

He pressed on about the transition and the effort it took: “[The family] sacrific[ed] a lot of stuff back in Samoa because we were very well off.”

Oh, no. Was it goats? Please tell me it wasn’t cats or dogs…or, dear god, people?! Was it people? What were they sacrificing? Did I get stuck with a primitive? What were they sacrificing?

Wait! He’s not done.

“…Because coming to the U.S. and realizing how it’s very difficult financially.”

Well...close enough. I think I get it. Like any proud parent, there’s often a period of time when only the mother or father can understand her/his child’s baby-gibberish. I think it’s the same for draft adoptions.

He’s saying the family made a sacrifice by coming to the U.S. because his father was like the Charles Emerson Winchester III of Samoa. However, in the U.S., they find themselves living more like Radar O’Reilly. See, coming here WAS the sacrifice. Thank God! Now I can return to my oneiric fancies of cats and dogs and goats frolicsomely enjoying life in the South Pacific.

Anyway, in high school, he excelled in wrestling and football—which is redundant because I already mentioned he was Samoan—but this Polamalu-esque-be-maned rising star had some issues with the SATs—mainly, that his No. 2 had a penchant for finding wrong answers—and he found himself on the outside-looking-in upon more traditional American Samoan college football powers (USC, UCLA, Arizona…oh for fuck’s sake it’s the PAC-10. Samoans all wind up in the PAC-10).

Then destiny came calling; Idaho decided they were the institution willing to bury their academic standards far beneath the earth like an unwanted barrel of Plutonium-239. Iupati had found new life as a Vandal.

As for his play, this 2009 consensus All-American, Outland Trophy Finalist (he lost to Suh…I mean this is like taking second to a Kenyan in a marathon—could you really expect to do better?), Iupati is a big, strong interior linemen. NFL scouts were impressed by his physicality, and some floated turning him into a tackle. His speed will dictate that likelihood. If a move to tackle does come to fruition, expect no more than right tackle—he might, m i g h t be fast enough for right, but not left. In truth, offensive guard seems to be where he’s best suited. Besides, Wonderlic scores suggest you don’t want to overload this young man with too much of the information stuff. He tested at about half of what the average NFL offensive lineman scores on the Wonderlic (*whisper* he got a 13). Despite stereotypes, O-lines tend to comprise the brightest bulbs of the five dozen or so members of an NFL roster, so you could say the risk of Iupati is that the 'Niners are praying a 40-watter will work as a sun lamp. But hey, in college, the Vandals found success with this. The 'Niners shouldn't push things by making him learn a new position.

Nonetheless, Iupati welcomes any challenge: “I will definitely fit well [with any team, at any position, in any offensive scheme (I have to fill in blanks to complete his thoughts or it’s unintelligible…his nickname should be The Big Lacuna)]. I like double-teaming and it’s very simple…Whatever team picks me, and whatever they want me to play (he better hope it’s football), I will definitely give 110%. I will definitely know that I will be the best at that position.” He will also definitely not use contractions.

The 49^ers come away the winners here. Unlike fellow UI grad, Sen. Larry Craig, Iupati’s wide stance will be a boon to Alex Smith, Frank Gore and whatever schmuck eventually replaces Alex Smith. As San Fran coach Mike Singletary stated to the San Francisco Chronicle, “Teams talk about the value of this, the value of that. Can the guy play? That’s all I want to know.” He can play, coach. He can play. He probably can’t add or write well, but he can play.

To further illuminate the facts to Coach Samurai, last year the Vandals averaged 350 total yards on offense, and one would have to believe that, if given the opportunity, Coach Singletary would jump at the chance to transfer that number to San Fran in 2010 ('Niners averaged 290 yds/game).

Ahhh! But what can I say? Despite it all, Mike Iupati is my draft adoptee. I don’t care what his intelligence is (or isn’t). I want him to succeed. I want his family to recoup for all the sacrifices they made for Mike in order for him to realize his dream. After all, he won’t possess the NFL's lowest Intelligence Quotient ever (see Manley, Dexter). I’ll pull for him with the same enthusiasm that he’ll display pulling for Frank Gore. He’s mine now. I will protect him as such.

For now, I'm just happy he's healthy.

Kareem Jackson in the Heart of Texas, Who the Hell is Kareem Jackson, the Wills Boys Are All Up On Mike Singletary's Jock

With the 20th pick in the NFL draft the Houston Texans took...Kareem Jackson?  With Ryan Matthews being snagged by the Chargers with the 12th pick, it was apparently common knowledge that the Texans would be looking to go for a cornerback to make up for the loss of Dunta Robinson.  Apparently Jackson is that man, though Yahoo Sports isn't sure why the Texans wanted to go with the Alabama (Roll Tide?) defensive back over the plethora of other corners who were still on the board. 

Jackson has some pretty bad tendencies which includes letting speedier receivers get behind him too quickly.  He doesn't have a fantastic first step and isn't really a solid to-the-line cover guy.  However, he makes up for these things with his ability and willingness to help out in the run defense and has above average closing speed.  He'll definitely be a good addition to the Texans squad though it might take a few games for him to really start adjusting to the speed of the NFL wide receivers. 

But enough of that bullshit, who IS THIS GUY?  He allegedly told Nick Saban to go fuck himself when he told him to stay for his senior season with the Tide, which, like, anyone who spurns that asshole is deserving of a large and powerful 'attaboy'.  He spent his three years in college being pretty much overshadowed by his partner across the field, Javier Arenas, but wanted to come out and prove himself in the combine, which apparently he did.  He's a former high school All-American and blah..blah...blah.  Nothing juicy at ALL here, this guy seems to be a model fucking citizen, which is fine, but come ON, not even one article about his gardening habits?  Jesus.  Well, we have a whole year ahead of us, surely there will be something. 

Until then, rest assured that the Texans have made a smart pick here, he's got all the raw tools to be successful and seems like a quality guy. 

In other news, the Wills boys got BOTH of the San Francisco 49ers draft picks.  It's a tad bit hilarious to me that they will be forced to follow the inside track for this team.  Though hey, maybe they'll get some season tickets out of it.  More to come. 

-Terrence Adams

Big Whiffah!!!!

Ok, so a prophet I am not. I figured there would be some trading going on in this draft, but I wasn't expecting that someone would move into the 11 spot for an offensive lineman. But, the 49ers did just that in order to take Anthony Davis out of Rutgers University.

It would seem as though Davis is set to be the left tackle of the future for the 49ers. At 6'5 and 323lbs, Davis certainly has the size to hold his own at the position, and by all accounts and what little film I've seen on Davis (honestly about 3 minutes) and some of his combind stats (33 inch verticle), he appears to be athletic enough, also.

NFL.com's analysis of him goes as follows;

Strengths:

"Davis has the outstanding combination of size and athleticism necessary to play left tackle at the next level. Displays impressive strength eating up opponents off the ball. Excels in pass protection utilizing his long arms to effectively react and adjust while protecting the blindside. Displays really nice hand use."

Weaknesses:

"Lacks great initial quickness when exploding out of his stance in the running game. Davis is not a natural knee bender. Would like to see him finish strong on a more consistent basis. His self discipline is questionable after he struggled with weight issues in college."

While the pick itself is solid, it does beg the question; why move up for a tackle when Clausen, whom the 49ers seemed to be rather interested in, is still on the board? When the trade came up on the screen, that seemed to make the most sense. Instead, they gave up a pick to get a position they have a large need at, and they filled it with a rather large man, but were the 49ers really concerned that Davis may not be there 2 picks later? The 49ers do pick at 17, so that could have figured in San Francisco's thinking, but that allows a lot of wiggle room for another team to move up to take the Notre Dame quarterback, but giving up a draft pick usually requires more than an offensive lineman.

Again, there is nothing wrong with the pick, since Davis projects to be a great player and on many boards was the top offensive lineman in the draft, but there is some surprise this move wasn't made to bring in a franchise quarterback. If Clausen's leadership skills and the questions about his ability to handle being an NFL quarterback scared San Francisco away, Alex Smith and Shaun Hill should have had them running right back to Clausenville.

But, in the end, this is why I am not an NFL general manager, and by all accounts, Davis will be a strong pick. He will be a prominent force for the San Francisco running game that has been very solid over the last few years, and he will help solidify the protection on the left side for whomever it may be at quarterback for the 49ers. All in all, on a scale from 1-10, I'd rate this pick a B+.

-Ben Wills

Pick 11 Offers a Lot, But What Do I Have to Offer?

(ed. note: Victrola Cola would like to introduce Ben Wills to the staff. Call him Big Willie Style, he loves that name. He's a smart person, so listen to him)

So, I've inherited the 11th pick in tonight's NFL draft. The anticipation of Chris Berman whispering the obvious all night is killing me (I can't wait for the Ndamukong "Boy Named" Suh debacle to be uttered as if it was clever...or classy), so I thought I'd too take a little gamble on making a prediction ( or merely doing some analysis).

Denver sits 11th on the board and in all honesty, I am willing to bet there is some quiet regret within the organization that they hadn't played so well at the start of the season, because in the end, they didn't make the playoffs and after trading Jay Cutler (2 years ago), as well as Brandon Marshall and Tony Scheffler this year, they could use the luxury of being able to pick who they want to fulfill their recent needs on offense, and despite a defense that finished 7th overall in the NFL, there are some needs across the board for the Broncos defense. So put as simply as possible, with needs across the board for the Denver Broncos, it is basically up in the air what direction they will eventually go.

Shifting to a 3-4 scheme seemed to help the Broncos defense in 2010, but they were a team that was much better against the pass than against the run. They finished ranked an impressive 3rd against the pass last year, but it was their miserable 26th rank against the run that makes this defense more vulnerable than the overall numbers would suggest. Elvis Dumervil could definitely use someone on the other side of the line to compliment his abilities to rush the passer, but help inside the line or at inside linebacker would probably be a more pressing need right now for Denver.

My assumption is that if Rolando McClain is still available, then the Crimson Tide alum will most likely be making his home in the Mile High City. The problem is that is a very big if. McClain very well could be a top 10 pick, going as high as possibly 5 to Kansas City. If McClain is off the board, Denver might be tempted to take someone along the lines of a Derrick Morgan out of Georgia Tech, or combine darling Jason Pierre-Paul to help add some pop to the pass rush, or entertain Jared Odrick of Penn State or Dan Williams of Tennessee to add strength inside the line, but it is more likely that they would look to the offensive side of the ball for a play maker to replace the loss of Marshall and Scheffler.

Dez Bryant out of Oklahoma State most likely will be on the board after being suspended for most of last year for lying to the NCAA about his relationship with Deion Sanders. In this case, it would be a pretty smart move for Denver to replace some of their lost home-run power on offense with Bryant. His play making ability would be even more attractive if Denver had a big arm to get him the football. Kyle Orton played admirably, as he has his whole NFL career, but you shouldn't expect much more out of him this year. Bryant isn't a breakaway type receiver, has good size, and seems to fit the mold of a possesion type receiver, which fits Orton's style, but again, it's hard to feel great (good is ok, just not great) about Kyle Orton leading your offense. Brady Quinn was traded to Denver, and very well could be the starter, but his skill set doesn't make one feel any better about the QB situation in Denver, which I will get to more in a second.

Another option could be a surprise pick of C.J Spiller from Clemson, but again, this is only if he is still on the board. Denver has about a billion running backs, but they've never shied away from bringing in one more, especially since Spiller figures to play prominently into the passing and return games wherever he goes. This pick is a bit of a stretch, but due to the potential that Spiller could fall to 11 and would be a very attractive player at that spot, I wouldn't be shocked.

What could be possible, albeit quite improbable, is Denver could make a move up, and shock the masses by possibly making a play for Jimmy Clausen. It would almost certainly extract a large "OOOHHHHH" from Berman, thus meaning it's not something that ESPN went over in their production meetings. It's not a move many can say they are anticipating, but this has more legs than Ron Santo (sorry, I had to). Clausen would be a quarterback the Broncos could build around, rather than hoping Quinn's potential becomes actual talent or Orton continues to play with his nose pressed against his talent's ceiling for the next year or 2.

I wish I could be more definitive about the pick at 11, but this 2010 draft has about as many different possibilities as chatroulette.com has phalluses. Whomever goes in this spot in this years draft will have the luxury of being either scorned or lauded by yours truly.

-Ben Wills

Pre-Draft Madness on 6th Avenue, Catering to the Masses, Ryan Matthews Might Be My Man Crush

We are so close, so very, very close. The NFL Draft is shaking up midtown Manhattan like a badly made martini at a work sponsored mixer. They've actually set up a red carpet stage outside of Radio City Music Hall, which has caused traffic to bottleneck and subsequently clusterfuck its way between 48th Street and 52nd Street. For every regular work-a-day pedestrian there are about fifty jersey-wearing numbnuts loitering around waiting for Chris "Fuckwad" Berman to show up and grace them all with his shitty, shitty presence. My only hope is that I somehow get to meet Chad Ochocinco, as I know for sure that his team of OCNN reporters are creeping around looking for stories.

So what of the draft thus far? Well, everyone with a brain is assuming that we'll see Nebraska's Ndamukong Suh or Oklahoma's Sam Bradford taken first by the St. Louis Rams, and considering the fact that the Rams need help at just about every single position outside of running back, both of these assumptions could prove to be correct. Outside of that, it's a toss-up. The wide reciever crop this year is sub-par and outside of C.J. Spiller the running backs ain't much to look at either. Where this draft is strong is on the defensive side of the ball. Outside of Suh, you have Tennessee's Eric Berry (Safety) and Oklahoma's defensive tackle Gerald McCoy, who is tough as nails. I've broken into a drug-addict-like cold sweat waiting for this stupid fucking thing to start. Come ON already.

At the 20th pick I'll be taking on whatever poor bastard gets picked up by the Houston Texans. That is, of course, barring any kind of trade or movement that would push their pick either up or down the board (for instance, Bleacher Report thinks that San Francisco will have this pick).  Regardless, two other mock drafts have Houston taking Fresno State RB Ryan Matthews.  Steve Slaton doesn't really have the ability to be the lone horse in that backfield, so this pick makes sense.  They need a duo that has both speed and power and Matthews and Slaton certainly cover both of those bases.  The guy had 1800 yards rushing and 19 touchdowns for the Bulldogs last year, his best with the team.  The scouting combine brought forth this opinion of him:

"Mathews is a good sized running back that runs hard and shows a good burst through the hole. He is a one cut runner that does not waste a lot of time dancing around in the backfield. Once he gets past the first level he could use a bit more elusiveness in space as he has some straight line to him. He tends to run a bit erect but does show upper body strength to stiff arm his way out of a tackle as well as balance on contact to stay on his feet and fight for extra yards. He has struggled to stay healthy as he has missed time in each season at Fresno State."

Though there are certainly some cynics who don't think the Texans will take him with the 20th pick, at this point, as with all things in life, it's a complete fucking mystery.

The draft begins at 7:30 p.m. though I'm already looking for ways to sneak into Radio City Music Hall and put laxative in Jon Gruden's tea.  More as it happens.

-Terrence Adams   

2010 NFL Big Blogger/Little Draftee Program Methodology

To make sure the selection of our adopted draft picks was as random as possible, the following highly scientific formula was used:

I had figured from the onset that Powerball was going to play a part, but the question loomed how do we select a Powerball draft order for ourselves? That's where the 1968 Summer Olympics come into play. I assumed that neither Terry nor Ben were at all familiar with the results of the 100m sprint event in Mexico City--I know I wasn't--so I asked them to choose, without any context, from Charles Greene, Jim Hines, and Lennox Miller. Terry selected Lennox Miller (Silver), Ben chose Jim Hines (Gold), leaving me with Charles Greene (Bronze). Thus, the Powerball draft order went Ben, Terry, then me.

Now we return to the Powerball results. Put the white ball/red ball issue aside, I don't have time to sort through that shit, I just needed numbers that were randomly selected. Since no individual ball exceeds 59, I figured we're in business. The NFL draft slots would be determined by the Powerballs. Ben, having picked Jim Hines, would receive the draft slot of the first ball bearing a number equatable to a selection in the First Round of the NFL draft. Terry would receive the next eligible number, and I the third. As you may have noticed, it's possible for there not to be three numbers under 32 (which was the case). So in this event, the first drawn number exceeding 32 would be divided by 2 (and rounded up in event of an odd number), but only after all sub-33 balls had already been assigned.

The Powerball numbers were drawn in Orlando, Florida, last night. They were (in order of the actual drawing) 11, 34, 55, 41, 49, 20. The first number fits our scheme. Ben, with the first pick, will adopt the 11th pick in the NFL draft.

The next four numbers (34, 55, 41, 49) didn't comply with the scheme. However, the Powerball did. Terry, with the second pick, will follow the 20th pick in the NFL draft.

In order to determine my pick, the division-by-two rule from above needed to be invoked. Having gone through all six powerballs and yielding only two picks, I had to return to the beginning. The second ball, 34, was the next eligible number (when divided by two). Therefore, with the third pick, I will coddle/berate the 17th (34/2) pick in the NFL draft.

Now all that's left is the waiting.



-Kyle Wills

NFL Draft Analysis, A Full Year of Following One Guy and All That's Fit To Sprint

Okay, okay.  Here's the deal with one aspect of Victrola Cola's draft analysis.  We (Kyle, Ben and myself) will be following three randomly selected draft picks throughout their rookie seasons.  We do not know who we will be following as of yet.  The formula for picking these guys relates to three names and last night's powerball numbers.  Don't ask.  Once we figure out which guys we'll be going after we'll be spending the entire NFL offseason and the proceeding 2010-11 season seeing how their first seasons pan out.  Hopefully they'll be crappy enough that we can somehow gain access to them personally.  Pray for us folks, the blog is expanding, and we're gonna try to make this as funny and awesome as we possibly can.  Within reason, of course.  More later, but for now, stay tuned. 

THE NFL DRAFT IS YOURS TO LOVE AND HATE

We here at Victrola Cola will be following tomorrow's NFL Draft very closely.  So closely in fact, that we're going to try to cover this summbitch as its happening, which could prove to be very difficult.  You'll hopefully be hearing from staff writers (and brothers) Kyle and Ben Wills and (hopefully) our other seemingly approved authors Doug, Kellie and Melissa.  I'll be popping in as well to rag on about how the Bengals didn't a.) make a move for Tony Scheffler and b.) will not draft a speedy wideout.  Feel free to rag on with us in the comments, I'm going to leave it open to blogspot folks AND anonymous people who will probably spam the fuck out of us.  Have fun with this, kids.   

Kyle Wills Predicts the NHL Playoffs, Acknowledges That This Article Will Appear on Facebook

A note from Terrence Adams:


So here's Kyle Wills' NHL Playoff preview.  I know that my baseball previews have been lax.  I know that we're two weeks into the season.  To compensate for the laziness, I will try desperately to knock out an all encompassing two-week-into baseball article that attempts to talk about how the first few weeks of the season are shaping up.  Meanwhile, Kyle Wills would like you to know the following, as sent to me in an email accompanying this document (sic'd):

"i wanted to shoot this to you for victrola cola yesterday because that's when the playoffs started. but then i got called in to meeting after annoying meeting. to keep the integrity of the predictions, i didn't watch any of the games last night, and i didn't look at the scores until i finished the piece today. lo, my predictions took a little hit last night with detroit and san jose losing. nonetheless, figured i'd shoot it to you anyway. i hope the fonts stick, becuase they're all over the place."

No worries Kyle, you're loyalty is duly noted.  And now, here's his 2010 NHL Playoff preview:

NHL Playoffs—Round 1


WESTERN CONFERENCE


1 San Jose Sharks vs. 8 Colorado Avalanche

I, for one, thought the subtraction of Jonathan Cheechoo and Milan Michalek would hurt more than it did. Dany “Speedracer” Heatly apparently is better than those two or something. It also helps to have Mr. Let-me-help-you-with-that Joe Thorton (69 assists), Patrick Marleau (44 G), and Dan Boyle (58 pts). They also have a guy named Devin Setoguchi. He’s not So Taguchi. There’s only one So Taguchi, and that guy is very Taguchi. But Devin’s not bad.

The ‘Lanche (I hate that nickname so much I love it) are young and talented (except for Adam Foote who is OOOLLLDDD). And as happens with young teams, they don’t know they’re not supposed to win. Paul Stastny (age 24), Chris Stewart (22), Matt Duchene (19), and Kyle “Charles” Cumiskey (23) are set to give the Sharks fits. They’re going to punch the Sharks as hard as possible right in the nose. Besides, goalie Craig Anderson is from Chicago suburb Park Ridge—the same town as my stepfather—so I imagine he sits in net saying things like, “Whuh? I jus’ made two, tree saves in row. Come on Torton and Heatly, I’ll stone da bodeeyas.”

Outcome: Oh Danny Boyle, the pipes, the pipes are calling. Avs will make them sweat, but Sharks take it…eventually. (They can’t choke again, right?)



2 Chicago Blackhawks vs. 7 Nashville Predators

Here come the Hawks, the mighty Blaaackhawks. Here come the Hawks. I swear they're coming.

So “Dollar” Bill Wirtz died and a new dawn of Chicago hockey lighted upon the south shores of Lake Mishigami. New owner, Rocky Wirtz is a chip off the old block. However, the old block in this case must be his mother. He makes every decision as though he asks himself, “What would pop do?” Then does the exact opposite.

The team, in the meantime, is young and, strangely, experienced. They reached the Conference Finals last year before Detroilet decided they wanted to be the team to lose to Pittsburgh. Everyone knows Toews, Kane, Keith and Seabrook. Not everyone knows Niklas Hjalmarsson (who has flat out been better than the touted Seabrook since the abortion in Vancouver), Dustin “We could have won gold if I were on team USA” Byfuglien, or Andrew Ladd. (Quick aside. A message for those Chi-towners who have a bug up their asses about Byfuglien’s play, saying he half-asses it during the regular season: First, shut up. Second, go back to the bleachers of Wrigley where bigotry is accepted. Third, he was a fucking animal in the playoffs last year, and I, for one, like wins in the spring much more than wins in late autumn.)

(Another quick aside: how awesome are these announced asides? So far there have been like 10 asides, but only two [including this one] have been announced. Better still, there’s nothing quick about them. But I digress.)

That all said, there is the goaltending situation. Antti Niemi mercifully took over after Cristobal Huet developed an allergy to frozen rubber. But Niemi hasn’t been perfect. He wasn’t part of last year’s playoff run either. In fact, he’s never squatted between the posts in the playoffs at all. Huet, on the other hand, has played in the postseason and has lost every series he’s participated in. That, my friends, is so Huet. (He’s Hueorrible).

Nashville is a dreadful draw for the Hawks, mainly because of style clashes. Hawks like to fly. Preds like to crawl, though it’s not as though Nashville is without weapons. Sweet-skatin’ vet, Steve Sullivan, has had himself a damn fine year and wound up tied for team lead in points with 51 (Sullivan 17G, 34 A; Patric Hornqvist 30G, 21A). Meanwhile, Martin Erat continues to escape the radars of most hockey fans, but make no mistake, he’s the best player on the team. Couple this with steady blueliners Marcel Goc, Ryan Suter, Dan Hamhuis and Shea Weber and you’ve got yourself a team that outpaced the Red Wings until the Olympic break.

Outcome: It’s a fight to the Finnish. Niemi and Pekka Rinne are the Fins with waffle-boards. Barring a dramatic collapse in goal, the Hawks’ deep talent should win the day. I’ll put it this way, pay attention to the Hawks’ fourth line and keep reminding yourself this is the FOURTH line.



3 Vancouver Canucks vs. 6 Los Angeles Kings

Brian Burke must feel silly. In 1999 he drafted Daniel Sedin with the 2nd pick in the first round. He then selected Henrik Sedin with the 3rd pick. Henrik just finished the year leading the NHL with 112 pts. Daniel only had 85. However, both had 29 goals (Can’t they do anything separately?). Still, the egg must be all over GM Burke’s face. Henrik is so much the better Sedin.

Even beyond the twins, Vancouver is pretty deep. Ryan Kesler is good. Mayson Raymond is good (and has great name-potential for a courtroom drama after he retires…I’ll call it “Mayson Raymond, Esquire.” He’ll suddenly develop a drawl and say quirky things that confuse his playing days with his lawyering, like:

Raymond: “I’d like to crosscheck the witness now.”

Judge McGeough: “You mean cross-examine.”

Raymond: (perplexed, with squinched brow) “What did I say?”

I’m not sayin’, I’m just sayin’.)

Sami Salo, Alex Edler, and Christian Ehrhoff (ridiculous +36, if you believe in that stat) make for some solid D with a bit of O to boot.

The Los Angeles Kings are yet another team that qualify as young and dangerous. Anze Kopitar (age 22), Dustin Brown (25), Drew Doughty (20), Jack Johnson (23), and Jonathan Quick (24) serve as the proof. The question is can Michal Handzus and Ryan Smyth counter the unbridled youth with a bit of wily veteran calm. As much as I like these players, I’m just not sure it’ll be enough.

Outcome: I’m so tempted to call for the upset here. But I can’t. The only way the Kings pull this off is if Luongo takes a big Italian meatball dump in his goal jock. His track record doesn’t portend well for L.A. He’s too solid under pressure.



4 Phoenix Coyotes vs. 5 Detroit Red Wings

Who led the Coyotes in scoring this year? Shane Doan? Radim Vrbata? Matt Lombardi?

No. Nope. And no. It was Wojtek Wolski (63 pts). Now to be fair, 47 of those 63 points came with the Colorado Avalanche before he was dealt in March, so he didn’t really lead the team. But he can score. The Red Wings should just be thankful that there aren’t shootouts in the postseason; Vrbata had 8 goals in the extra, extra frame, Lauri Korpikoski had 7; Wolski was a paltry 1 for 15 this year (between Colorado and Phoenix), but last year was 10 for 12.

Nonetheless, the real story here is Ilya Bryzgalov. He was 3rd in wins in the NHL. Of course goalies are important in the playoffs, everybody knows that, but Bryzgalov even more so. The Coyotes don’t have the same fire power as teams like the Capitals, Blackhawks, or Canucks. They can’t make up multiple-goal deficits with the regularity of the aforementioned.

The Red Wings struggled early, suffered injuries, and appeared to be headed toward their first early summer vacation since Kid ‘N Play’s House Party was all the rage. Unfortunately (for the rest of the Western Conference), they got healthy. They also seemed to be about the only team to improve after the Olympic break.

Datsyuk and Zetterberg make this team go. They play hockey like Chinese gymnasts flip—impressively well. And also like Chinese gymnasts, I don’t want them to succeed. The rest are the same fucks who have been around for-seemingly-ever: Holmstrom, Lidstrom, Draper, Franzen, Helm, Kronwall, Gordie Howe. Wait…Howe did retire. Didn’t he?

On top of it all, no matter what asshole they throw in net, he excels. Jimmy Howard (rookie) wins 37 games with a .924sv%. Chris Osgood’s on the bench. Osgood’s played a few important playoff games himself, if you know what I’m saying.

Outcome: The best news of this series is that the Coyotes have home ice; therefore, Dave Tippet gets to set his lines first in 4 of the 7 games while Mike Babcunt will undoubtedly be bitching about something. The bad news is that Phoenix is catching a hot team—Detroit 8-1-1 in their last ten; Phoenix 5-3-2—and I can’t envision their offense keeping up with Detroit’s.



Recap: On to round 2 go San Jose, Chicago, Vancouver and Detroit.



EASTERN CONFERENCE


In the spirit of Carl from Aqua Teen, I give my Eastern Conference review:


Hey sports fans, so apparently they’re going to allow the NHL playoffs to proceed even though those scumbags from Philly had to cheat—yet again—to win against the beloved Blueshirts and take the final spot for the playoffs. Do they actually expect people to root for teams from Jersey or Boston? Please. I’d rather the Giants trade Eli Manning to the Cowboys in return for Mr. Jessica Simpson. And speaking of the Giants, I am 95% certain that I am going to boo whoever they pick in the draft, because I already know I can’t stand that guy…whoever he is…unless it's Cody Manning…in which case I’ll quietly boo until HE FUMBLES HIS FIRST SNAP AND I SUE FOR THE DAMAGES RESULTING FROM MY SUBSEQUENT THROWING OF MY UNOPENED SPARKS THROUGH THE TELEVISION.

So in conclusion, with New York out of it, I’ll just name the teams I hate least: Buffalo, Washington—like Montreal’s better, Ottawa, and New Jersey. You hear that Jersey? I picked you. But listen, this is it! We’re even! We have now officially paid you back for all your first responders on 9-11.

-Kyle Wills

Look, It's Baseball...A Note on the Breast Cancer Walk...Duke vs. Butler or Why On Earth Didn't West Virginia Use the Full Court Press?

Oh, baseball, where have you been?  It's been a long a brutal winter without you.  Football was an interesting stop-gap, sure, but lets be honest now, even a Saints Super Bowl victory didn't make us forget that you, beloved baseball, were in full-on hibernation mode.  The Olympics, NBA and NHL spent their time trying to make us all forget you, but we're smarter than that.  So now, on this opening night of the 2010 season, Victrola Cola will now offer you a team by team run down, starting with the...

NATIONAL LEAGUE CENTRAL

Cincinnati Reds

This team is perplexing, isn't it? They have so much talent and yet still nobody thinks that they are capable of overcoming the Cubs, Cardinals and Brewers (nobody except Sean Casey, which, like, swoon). Given, everything about them is a huge question mark. Will Joey Votto have the breakout season everyone is expecting? Will Scott Rolen stay healthy? Can Orlando Cabrera be as sound defensively as he once was? Will Aroldis Chapman be effective on the major league level? Can Homer Bailey continue his growth on the mound? Can Harang somehow figure out how to convince people to score runs when he's starting? I mean, the list goes on and on and on. It's a mystery wrapped inside of an enigma, a true 'IF THEY CAN THEN THEY WILL' story. As a fan, I certainly hope that they will, I definitely think that they have the pieces to make it happen. Their starting pitching is solid from front to back and will become even scarier once Edinson Volquez returns after the All-Star break. Their bullpen is steady and actually managed to improve by putting Micah Owings in the long reliever spot. The only real problem spot is in left field. Sure, Jonny Gomes might be the solution this year, but there is a definite need to get the young slugger Juan Francisco to figure out how the hell to be more patient at the plate. The kid can mash, but he also swings at everything and cannot, for the life of him, hit left handers. His defense isn't amazing, which is why his hitting needs to level out, because otherwise he's gonna be another life long AAA All-Star.

I'm projecting the Reds to come in third in the Central this year, but if (if!) all the pieces come together, they might be a team that can really challenge the Cardinals reign.

St. Louis Cardinals

Albert Pujols, Matt Holliday, Adam Wainwright, Chris Carpenter. Those four players are the main reason the Cards will be riding in the pole position all season long. They might also be the reason they crash and burn. Allow me to extrapolate: if any one of those players gets hurt (and lord knows Carpenter has a history) then this team becomes drastically different. Pujols will have his usual numbers and I don't really see him having injury problems and Holliday only seemed to get better as the year went on last season, but if either of those two ace pitchers goes down, the weight will fall to a pitching staff that, without the two headed beast, becomes pretty tame. Kyle Lohse has been pitching out of his mind, but he's Kyle Lohse, and as any Reds fan can tell you, he is not reliable. Brad Penny is a fairly steady guy, but can he reach the 12-15 wins the team needs him to get? If Carpenter goes down, which guy fills his role? It gets a little sketchy, doesn't it? Ryan Franklin isn't really a lock down closer, but he's consistent and won't make the kind of mistakes that will oust him from the spot. There is no doubt, the Cardinals are tough and they are the favorite, but again, watch out for the injury bug, it might hit this team hard.

The Cardinals will finish first in the Central, but I don't have to like it.

Chicago Cubs

First of all, fuck the Cubs. Outside of Red Sox nation, this team's fanbase is maybe the worst in all of sports. The sheer level of douchebaggery that is irreversibly embedded in Wrigley Field makes the cast of Jersey Shore look like middle school bullies. Also, everyone seems to think that this is the year that the Cubs will figure out how to win with the talent they have, which is gut wrenchingly hilarious. So this is the year that Alfonso Soriano is going to actually be worth the insane money the Cubbies are paying him? What exactly has he done as a Cub that makes you say that? Has he won an MVP as a Cub? No. Has he won a batting title as a Cub? No. Has he improved his defense as a Cub? No. He's only getting older, folks, and at 34, his hay day is getting further and further away in his rear view. Aramis Ramirez is a legitimate threat in the middle of that lineup, but he's gotta stay healthy. Derrek Lee may or may not be a threat, he seems to be one of those 'every other season' guys that wows you one year and then drops a .255 batting average on you the next. Zambrano is iffy in the ace spot. At times he can be utterly dominating, but in between those times he's losing his temper and trying to beat the shit out of his teammates. The guy is more emotionally unstable than a sorority girl during pledge week. Carlos Marmol has the talent at closer to dominate, but he's erratic and can't seem to have two perfect ninth innings in a row.

The Cubs are rolling into fourth place this year, behind the Reds.

Milwaukee Brewers

Yeah, I know, Yovani Gallardo isn't proven and Trevor Hoffman is old, but this team is still scary. Prince Fielder and Ryan Braun are maybe the most electric one two punch in the division and their surrounding offensive cast has the potential to be extremely entertaining to watch. Rickie Weeks will be looking to build upon a disappointing and injury shortened 2009 and Jim Edmonds will be looking to prove that he is still a viable player in the league. All told, this team has yet to really fulfill its potential, but I think this is the year that things kind of almost maybe come together for them.

They'll be second in the Central and be one of the few teams fighting for a Wild Card spot.

Houston Astros

Offensively this team is very, very dangerous. They better be, because their pitching staff is fucking terrible. Wandy Rodriguez does not an ace make and Roy Oswalt seems to have lost something over the last two years that makes him very vulnerable. Who else is there, Brett Myers? Jesus H. Christ in a chicken basket, that's no way to set up a pitching staff, son. Especially when you're going to be handing the ball to maybe the worst bullpen (next to the Pirates) in the division after five or six innings. Brandon Lyon will not be making it through this season healthy and Matt Lindstrom, though serviceable, will be pitching a lot of 2 inning games, which will destroy his stamina as the season wears on. Again, their offense is very strong. Lance Berkman and Carlos Lee will be bashers in the middle of the lineup and Michael Bourn may be the best all around player in the division right now that no one is paying attention to (much like Nyjer Morgan was last year when he was with the Pirates).

They'll come in fifth this year, but don't be surprised if you see some rebuilding-minded trades happen after the All-Star break that make this team a contender for years to come.

Pittsburgh Pirates

Ho boy, where to start. Well, lets start with the good: Andrew McCutchen is primed to become one of the best players in baseball this year. I have no doubt that he will get thirty homeruns and snag thirty stolen bases with ease. Zach Duke and Ross Ohlendorf are a decent combo in the pitching rotation, but they are going to have to rely heavily on a bull pen that is shaky at best. Octavio Dotel is their best reliever, and...well...Octavio Dotel is their best reliever.

The Buccos are heading in the right direction (just as long as Bobby Crosby isn't driving the bus), but they still aren't ready to contend in the Central. They'll finish last, but with fists!

I'll hit up the NL East next, be ready.

Potpouri! So I was riding the subway this morning on my way to work and saw an ad for the upcoming NYC Breast Cancer walk in October. The tag line for the walk was 'In It To End It', which seems like a strange thing to be saying to men and women who are suffering from a life threatening disease. Why not just say 'Walk Towards The Light' or some shit like that. I don't like it. I don't like it one bit.

Where was West Virginia's full court press last night? Did they not realize that they were down ten for pretty much the entire second half and needed to maybe...oh...I don't know...try to get turnovers? Also, they DID realize that every single fucking player on Duke can shoot threes, yes? ALSO ALSO, Zoubeck (Duke's center) should have been called for over the back five or six times but wasn't. He was the first player I've seen who has been able to continue playing with twelve personal fouls. Now, I know everyone thinks that Butler winning would be awesome (I do!), but lets be honest; these underdog fairy tale stories never work out like that. You're going to hear about the movie Hoosiers, you're going to hear about the home crowd advantage in Indy and then you're going to see the Duke Blue Devils wipe the floor with them. It will be sad and you will turn off your television before CBS starts cumming all over Coach K's face while he lifts the trophy. Blech.

Stay strong. Go Reds.

-Terrence Adams